Do you know what it's like to be light on your feet?

Well I don't. Or..well...I can't really remember.

All of my adult life I have been exhausted. Getting out of the bed in the morning is a chore rather than a moment of joy at waking up another morning to enjoy my wonderful life. Once I'm showered, teeth brushed, hair did, and ready to go, I'm already hating the walk to the train station. The walk from the train station has been horrid on my lower back. I find myself sometimes taking a cab 10 blocks! Who does that?! Who pays 7 bucks everyday just to hop into a cab to get to a train station? And then, don't even get me started on the subway stairs! I'm carrying around massive weight and it's so unattractive. The sweat. The pain. All of it.

The one thing that gives me joy is walking into Times Square realizing I'm living my dream. I'm okay at that point but still sweating and in pain. I can't WAIT to sit down at my desk and take a breather. Sometimes, I even hold off on going to the bathroom just because I'm too lazy to get my fat ass up out of my chair.

Yes I know, this is BRUTALLY honest. Some of you may judge me, go ahead. I'm totally judging myself.

As of today, I realized something. I don't MIND getting up in the morning anymore. Sure, it's still like oh shit, sleep is over. But fuck that, I'm ready to get on with my day and LIVE! I'm carrying around weight but I'm 10 pounds lighter in two weeks! Imagine 3 months from now! Imagine 6 months from now!

With that said, my lovely friend, let's call her Esq since she is a lawyer, said I should do a picture update. Meaning, put a before picture up and then an after picture up at the end of every month. Now I've totally considered this before but I got scared. However, with her push, I think I'm going to. I don't have any of me from before I started, besides fully clothed, I doubt I'd ever put up one with just a sports bra on, so I'm going to just have to post one of those for now. I'll see if I can find any full body. Then, at the end of the 4 weeks I'll put up a new one, side by side of course. I'll continue to do this at the end of every bootcamp session.

For now, here is the only full body I could find:

Okay wait. I just got totally grossed out. I'm not even sure I can do this! I literally could NOT find any full body photos on my laptop or facebook because I TOTALLY don't post them or I edit or crop them. I had to pull out my memory card. Upon doing so, OMG I'm ready to cry. Let's just say that...Okay...I'm going to get it together. I must post, both for myself and those of you out there also struggling. But most of all, so I can be reminded to NEVER get back here. For those of you out there who love me, please keep pushing me. It truly makes a difference.

Here we go, second try...I've gotten utterly great at knowing how to pose (thanks Mariah!) for pics so that I don't look too fat, but these are the rare instances where I let it all hang out:

                                               Front:                                          

Back

Ugh, I'm so skeeved out just by looking at them! Alas, I must move on and continue on this journey. I NEVER want to see myself back here again and I'll be damned if I ever let anyone see me this weak again!

Anyway, needless to say, next time the pics will be more professional, ya know, front back side, all that jazz.

Last night I threw on a pair of sweats that are my go-to pants for comfort! I noticed something weird, they KEPT falling down! You know the strings that you use to make them tighter? Well, those strings had long since tied themselves into a knot and I cannot get it undone! I need to make them tighter and I can't! I'm not saying I lost a bunch of weight, we all know it's only 10 pounds. But, it did make me happy to notice something that is a NSV (Non-scale victory). Now when can I get rid of this horrid double chin?! It makes my head look bigger than it already is! I mean, my head is HUGE. 

Todays Bootcamp:

Today was an upper body day. Seems W told a few of the girls that today we would be doing pull ups. I am SO glad he did not tell me that. I would have been dreading it!

We started off running, as usual for our warm up. After that, we came over to our mats and began doing all sorts of weight lifts and also exercises using the resistance bands. I was whewwwww. It felt SO GOOD though!

I also had AMAZING shin splints today. The pain was WORSE than ever. However, I couldn't let it slow me down. We were running on soft asphalt which definitely helped but then he brought us over to what looked like a way too high hill. I asked if we were just gonna roll down it. Ha! I couldn't imagine running up that thing! Alas, what did we have to do? W stood at the top and let us know that it was time to run up and down and up and down and up and down and so on...he also said that he didn't want to see us get halfway up the hill and then start to walk, we had to follow through. That always helps me, a pep talk and a threat. HA!

Anyway, I did it! I ran through the pain (I'll probably pay for it tomorrow). I ran and ran and man it felt GOOD. After 2 minutes of this it was time to do wall sits.

I hate these with a passion and fire I never knew I had inside of me. However, I did them and I'm still alive.

I must say, the word "bootcamp" sounds scary. I hear that from so many of you who are suffering through the same disease, laziness and obesity. However, the women, W and just the way the entire group pushes each other on is indispensable. We laugh and we joke and we have a good time. That is, until W hears us and says that if we have the energy to laugh and talk then we aren't working hard enough.

Y said something to me today that I found important. She told me how it's not always about the weight we lose. It's also about the inches. Sometimes, the inches aren't shown on the scale (most times). This is why it is important I measure myself again. I will be doing that soon!

Anyway folks, I'm outtie! Busy day in front of me and I just want to let you know how much you all are appreciated. Thank you for following me on this journey, not judging (or judging), being a voice of reason when I'm ready to give in and being a voice of encouragement.

This journey is nowhere near at it's end. But I'm two weeks and 2 days in and I am already beginning to feel like a new person knowing there is a light at the end of the road.

Much love,
K

Monday - WEIGH IN #2 !!!

Hello my lovely readers =)

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend! I know I did!

I went out to eat twice this weekend, and each time before we left I checked out the restaurants menu's online to figure out what I would order BEFORE we got there. This was such a helpful tool to me. I do not want to give up the things I love to eat but I also want to plan for it so that I can make sure I'm still keeping within a healthy range of foods.

Restaurant # 1: Red Lobster.
Yes I know I know. The typical "hood fab" restaurant of choice for us black folk! Kill me, I can't resist!

I chose to order 1lb of crab legs (only dipping every 3rd piece in butter - I'm NOT giving up my butter!) and shrimp and grilled broccoli. I wanted SO BADLY to get dessert but alas, D was NOT in the mood to share one so we decided against it. With A LOT of attitude coming from me. I mean I was totally full but I was being utterly greedy.

I mean, I went OFF on him. As if it were HIS fault that he was full and couldn't share a dessert. Needless to say, once we made it out to the parking lot I realized how happy I was that I didn't eat half of a dessert that I had to apologize and thank him.

It truly is a blessing to have him in my life.

Restaurant #2
IHOP

Who knew IHOP had a menu for people who want to eat healthier? When I was on their website looking at what to eat I couldn't BELIEVE my eyes! My normal meal there was over 3000 calories! WHAT!?!? 3000 calories in ONE sitting?! CRAZY TALK!

I instead ordered off of the IHOP for Me Menu . I ordered 2 buttermilk pancakes, egg substitutes scrabbled and two pieces of turkey bacon all for 400 calories. I ate slow and enjoyed my meal thoroughly.

It's the small things folks!

I went to bed last night at 10pm. It was extremely hard to pull myself away from the Emmys and not watch Enterouge or Hung or Big Brother (I'll catch up tonight!)...but I did it! My body isn't fully use to whatever my sleep pattern is, I think I confuse it a lot. I woke up at 4am when I didn't have to get up until 5:30am. That totally sucked. 

Mondays Bootcamp

Today I pushed myself 110%. Shin splints were KILLING me yet I found I could push through it. Not sure if it was just because of the rest this weekend but I decided I wasn't doing those lame moves and instead I would run with the rest of the girls. Everyone was ahead of me but I tried to stay within a block of the last girl and at the end I pushed myself and made it. May not seem like much to you, but to me it really felt good...even though I was battling splinters inside of my damn leg.

It was/is EXTREMELY hot out today. I was sweating BEYOND what I normally sweat. L then let me know that the more you sweat, the better in shape you are because it is your body's way of releasing or something like that. I'll have to look it up.

Okay so the time we've all been waiting for! WEIGH IN!

The goal was to lose 4lbs this week. Although, I must admit, I was hoping to lose more like 5lbs. I just weighed myself and I lost EXACTLY 4lbs. It isn't great but it IS goal so I can't be too disappointed in myself. I have a feeling if I didn't go out to eat at both restaurants this weekend, I might have lost more. Good to know so that I can stay motivated this week.

So that is 10lbs in two weeks. Not too shabby but not too great either. I found myself crying this weekend when I saw my face in the reflection of the car window. That double chin just WONT go away!!! I want collar bones! UGH!

I'm in an extremely weird mood but damn do I feel GOOD and motivated! I'm back to a healthy week of food. We did all of our grocery shopping and I'm looking forward to one of the girls, Y, from bootcamp, sending me a recipe later on this week that I'm going to try!

I hope everyone has a great day!

Thank you for your support and advice!!

Love,
K

I'm a Host of Imperfection...

"but you see past all that. In your eyes I'm a Queen. You see potential in all my flaws, and that's exactly what I need".

Today's quote is from Flaws and All - Beyonce . I don't think I could have picked a better quote for today. For the past (let's just say MANY) years I've been in a relationship.

The way I grew up, I knew to never let a man in. Atleast, that is what my father taught me. All men are dogs, you have to train them. I learned so much from him, however, over the years D has taken my heart and flipped it upside down into a position of forever yearning and wanting him beside me.

When we first started dating I was at my smallest size, over the years I've grown and gotten bigger (obvz!). But no matter how many times I ask him to tell me if I'm fat, he refuses, saying he only sees ME. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday. He still kisses me before he goes to work and when he comes home. He has been a provider, a lover and a mainstay to my happiness. I dunno how I got so lucky. I must've done something really great in a past life.

Our relationship is not without fault, we work through everything and we've had some major curveballs thrown at us. Not believing in marriage until after 30 is one of them. =) (Sidebar: I get SO tired of people asking us when we are going to get married, WORRY about your OWN love life!). However, without him by my side this journey would be so much harder.

Anyway, I write all of these loving words for one purpose. That purpose being that last night we had a talk. I let him know how very sorry I was. How sorry I was that I let myself go. It is so important to be HONEST with ourselves. If we are in a relationship we need (I don't care if you disagree, I'm RIGHT!) to make sure that we are trying to be our very best for the other person. No letting yourself go once you get married. Why would *I* want to be married to a slob? I want to be the trophy on his arm when we walk into a room, I want to make him proud. He of course just looked at me and said the right things a man who loves you SHOULD say but sometimes I wonder if deep down he is really happy I'm finally taking on this journey.  He works out constantly and believes in being healthy and physically fit so I do know that he is happy that I am on a road to a healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, This blog is an ode to all he has put up with over the years from me. Because let's face it, I'm a huge (literally and figuratively) rude bitch. I just am. I can't help it and I'm not sure I want to.

With all of that said, today's bootcamp....well....My shin splints HURT!!!!!!! There was so much running today I was SO annoyed and I'm not sure I disguised it very well. I know I rolled my eyes more than a few times. It was just annoying watching the other girls take off on their running and me staying back and doing a lame exercise that ISN'T running. Not to say that exercise doesn't work me, it does, but it's not the same as running and I LIKE running so when I can't, it really pisses me off to see other people doing it.

Wait...did I just say I LIKE running? Kill me now. Who woulda thought 2 weeks ago? Well, I'm very discouraged and worried that I may never be able to run again if these shin splints don't get better!! I know, such the drama queen. They'll get better...but when?!

W asked me today how my mental state was, basically if I was letting the injury get me down. I tried to be honest. I'm not totally sure I am. I did push myself today, it's just utterly discouraging to see everyone else doing something that you can't do. He did tell me however that he sees me improving everyday, I want to believe it because I feel it but I dunno if he's just throwing a huge load of shit in my direction. =p It's so hard to find confidence in a skill set you've never acquired.

We start week 3 next week and it is bring your friend to bootcamp week! So if any of you would like to try out bootcamp for a day, let me know!!! I already have Dr. M coming, so I'd love it if some of the rest of you tried it!

Well this is 2 weeks down guys. Can you believe it? TWO WHOLE freaking WEEKS!!! On Monday it's another weigh-in day for me and I can't wait to see what it is.

I'll just put it out there, my goal is to have lost 4 more pounds which would bring me to a total of 10 pounds lost in 2 weeks. Let's pray I get there!!

Many thanks and love to all of you and STOP posting comments on facebook and instead post them here!!!

If you haven't clicked the follow button above, please do so!

Enjoy your weekends! And remember, drinking alcohol is a needless calorie intake!

Love,
K

Sidebar: Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister Annette!!! 

"The Heart Is Stronger Than You Think..."

"It can go through anything and even when you think you can't you find a way to still push on."

Hello my lovely readers!

The quote above is from a song titled Just Stand Up . Today at boot camp upon arrival we were told to immediately do two laps around the track. Well, as soon as I began running I felt the pain in my shins. All I could think about was how to describe it to those of you who have never experienced it (God Bless your hearts!). It is almost like something overtaking your leg and leaving you with a dull monotone pain that does not go away. I decided to walk instead and of course try and do it as fast as possible. I realized I began to care less what others thought and even though everyone finished before me, I wasn't TOO far behind. I still felt stupid when I walked up and already everyone was doing jumping jacks. I mean damn.

Luckily for me W gave me alternate exercises to do (except for running) for everything that hurt my leg. Weirdly enough, jumping jacks killed me! So instead I did the alternate exercises and I PUSHED! About 20 minutes into our workout (today was upper body) I realized how GREAT I felt! Even if I wasn't doing the same exercises as everyone else (I'd say I did 75% of the same and 25% alternate) I was pushing myself and realized how different I was today rather than on Tuesday.

Tuesday I was utterly demoralized. Today, my heart took over my mind. It didn't matter that my mind was telling me to go slow, to take it easy, everyone would understand because I was in pain. My heart is what got me through the workout and like I said, 20 minutes in, I wanted to go harder.

There is nothing like the feeling of sweat dripping down your face (ewww right? Ha!) and knowing that you are creating that. Not the sun, not laying on a beach (which I LOVE to do), nothing other than your heart pushing your body.

I beg of you, if you haven't begun any type of workouts yet, please start! You will feel SO much better! Already I am in a MUCH better mood than I was yesterday.

I find myself walking past a mirror and smiling at myself. Not because I look any different (YET! It's only been a week in a half!), but because I FEEL good about myself. When you know that you have pushed yourself and you won the battle, how could you NOT feel good about yourself? I still have the double chin, my body is still nowhere near where it needs to be but I'm sorry, I totally feel GREAT to be Kristin. A woman who's heart is stronger than her mind, and I don't mind at all!

With that said today is going to be a busy day for me so I think I'm going to cut this one short. A lot of work and then off to see Dr. M and her new bundle of joy!!! I think while I'm there I'm also going to ask about knee pain. I'm getting sore knees (AGAIN - DO NOT WAIT until it is TOO late and your body is all fucked). I'm not sure if it's just because of workouts or if my knee is in bad shape. Only time will tell!

Tomorrow will probably undoubtedly be lower body. (Can you say OUCH to squats?) and I encourage all of you to do 3 sets of 20 crunches today. 3 sets of 20 squats and 3 sets of 25 jumping jacks. Just get your heart pumping and then email me or comment below about how you feel afterward.

ps. the emails yesterday were OVERWHELMING. Thank you THANK YOU for your love and support!

If you're not following the blog yet please click the FOLLOW button above. It is MOST appreciated. I want nothing more than 8 months from now for you all to still be on this journey with me. Obstacles will come, but I will overcome them.

Xoxo,
K

Stress Level's High and the Morale's Low...

Happy Wednesday everyone! The work week is halfway over and we are on our way to a wonderful weekend. Keep that in mind as you all struggle to make it through this dreary day East-coasters!

Yesterday was hard. Just in case you didn't quite grasp that in the last blog ha. I was emotionally drained. When something like a sports injury (yes shin splints are a sports injury, see here: Shin Splints ) happens to you, you feel lost. It was my first time ever experiencing any type of injury to my body that was inflicted because of an exercise. I was confused, hurt, in excruciating pain and totally lost all morale.

As you can see, I am a wuss. I absolutely abhor pain and anything that gets in my way really brings me down for a minute, but I'm usually really good at picking myself back up. I think what made it worse was that I didn't have control over it. It wasn't like I could just dust myself off and hit the track running again, I wasn't given alternative exercises so it was either "hurry up and wait" or try running again and possibly making it worse.

However, with all of that said I have done some research! Yay for the internet-age! One of my closest friends in the entire world, Dr. M, is a physical therapist. After a lengthy text chat session and then a phone call and analysis she concluded I indeed had shin splints and sent me so much information on how to care for them (which is BEYOND painful) and also information on preventative care. The exercises and procedures I did yesterday to make my shins feel better caused me to scream. I couldn't believe she actually DOES this to people. I asked her if she actually got paid to make people feel like shit. She promised I'd thank her in a few days. Ha, I love her! I'm just such a priss when it comes to pain, hence the reason, if you are going to fight me, you are most likely going to lose because I don't like being hit. Not that I fight often or anything...=p

Here's some info for those of you getting ready to take on running (or fast walking), which is in my opinion the best exercise for cardio. Two things I could have done in order to possibly prevent this from happening:

1. I went into a Lady Footlocker and asked the sales lady for the best running shoe Nike had. She promptly brought me a pair. I tried em on. They fit. I bought. STUPID! I totally should have looked up shoes online just to make sure I was getting a decent pair. Turns out mine are okay but I totally could have purchased better ones. 

2. I should have looked at my arch! I don't have flat feet but when I stand my arch does practically disappear. Dr. M said this happens to her as well. I could have easily fixed this by buying inserts for arch/heel support or shock absorbent insoles. Dr. Scholls is of course the brand most people know and is affordable. I will be purchasing a pair today!

Needless to say, I've learned a lot and I have a feeling that throughout this journey I am going to keep running into obstacles. The question is will I succeed? Positivity is needed for success. I truly believe that if you have a positive outlook on life you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

The question is, how do you dig deep inside of you to get the motivation and positivity needed for change?

Each of us is different. For me it happens gradually. For others, they may constantly say they want better for themselves, whether it is in career, family life or health, but they never take the actions to make it happen. So if that is you, how do you find it?

There is a song by one of my favorite artists, Amel Larrieux, entitled "Magic". I had the opportunity to meet her once and have a brief conversation with her, during which she informed me my energy was extremely strong and that she could feel the "magic" in me. She even signed an autograph for me and it reads "Kristin, you got that magic, Love, Amel". At the time, I just thought okay, she loves me. I mean, I am pretty easy to love. But as I'm going down this journey, don't ask me WHY I thought of this, I realize we all have a magic in us.

The lyrics to the song go something like this:

"The stress levels high and the morales low and the wind is looking like it's about to blow.
Stop what you're doing and tap into your magic.
However you can, you must grab it.
Jump, Sit, Sing, Laugh, It's Magic"

You can see Amel sing this song live here:  Amel Larrieux - Magic (Fastforward to 3:35) 

That magic is our God given strength of faith, love and belief in ourselves. When we have low self-esteem sometimes our magic gets buried beneath all of the negative. It is then we are letting the "devil" take over our bodies and we are no longer in control.

If you're like me, not having control angers you. That is where I find my magic. Under no circumstances will I let someone/something take over my well being. We only have so many years on this earth and I plan to make the most of mine and those around me. No one likes a Crabby Cathy! I don't care how you find your magic but if you're going on this journey of life, you better find it!

On a sidenote, bootcamp was canceled today due to extremely bad weather. I was not bummed at all as I need time to heal my shin and I truly believe God is on my side in this. Everything happens for a reason.

I promised some meals yesterday and I was so busy I didn't have time to post any.

Want a quick breakfast?
I recommend keeping a box of cereal at your desk at the office. It's convenient and cheap and will help you when your co-workers ask if ya wanna head down to get some coffee/bagels.

My favorites are Honey-Nut Cheerios (hey it helps lower your cholesterol) and to mix it up, I also love a brand from Targe: Blueberry Granola Flax. 

It is by far one of the tastiest cereals I've ever had! It is healthy AND if you add a banana in, well it's even better! And getting enough fruits and vegetables a day is very important!

For lunch I choose to make mine the night before.

Tuesday night we had chili for dinner (made with turkey meat) and you can use your own recipe here and just replace the beef with turkey meat and I also like to use basil and REAL tomatoes and then take a cup or a cup in a half to work with you. It makes for a great dinner and also a healthy lunch the next day.I have the most amazing boyfriend who got up early to make it for me so that by the time I came home, it would be ready on the slow cooker!

Another suggestion is to make sure you keep fruits at your desk. Every Monday bring in an apple, an orange and a banana and just keep it at your desk so instead of running downstairs to grab a bag of chips, you reach for your fruit =)

When I have a craving for chocolate (which I often do) I reach for a choc chip granola bar which is only 80 calories. The supermarket has pretty great selections on these which have less fat or less sugar etc. I alternate.

If you are big on desserts, I recommend Skinny Cow desserts. Try to only eat desserts when you REALLY feel a craving. Listen to your body. If you're full, you don't need it. If you really want it, then fine, have one. But don't get into the habit of REALLY wanting one every night. 1-3 times a week in my opinion is fine. It won't set you back that far and honestly, what is life if we can't indulge every now and again?

With all of this said, I'm off to ice my legs!

I appreciate the comments, the overwhelming response on e-mails and most importantly, I appreciate you just taking the time to read my blog everyday. You motivate me.

Love,
K

Sidebar 2: Today is the anniversary of Aaliyah's death. Her music has helped me and countless others in being a better person and getting through the day. May she rest in sweet peace.

Demoralizing Situation....

So yesterday I read that "The Situation" from MTV's "Jersey Shore" is set to make 5 million big ones this year! All because of his body, okay and the fact that he's a total doucher. Lord have mercy on ALL of our souls if this is the kind of dude that can become an overnight millionaire while millions struggle.

I had a different kind of struggle today. Before any of you read on, let me just state "THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY". In fact, if you know me and you know my bitchy side, this blog is going to be down right nasty.

I am angry. Today was hard. It was hard mainly because my body let me down this morning. I officially have shin splints. The pain was ROARING up through my shin and into my entire head and my brain kept telling me to stop stop stop. So I did. I'd say out of the hour workout I probably got about 25 minutes total of what I USUALLY get. That's not to say I didn't get exercise or anything but overall it was pretty shitty compared to yesterday.

I love bootcamp but I think this may be where a personal trainer comes in handy. We had an overflow of girls from the 5:45am class in our 6:45am class and there was no way W could pay too much attention to me. This is where it got bad.

I was angry. Angry that I wasn't being given any alternative exercises.

The girls were running, I couldn't run without a shooting pain so instead I walked.

The girls were running up and down stairs. I couldn't run up and down stairs so instead I jogged in place.

Girls went running again, I walked.

It was SO horrid. I mean, seriously. I know my writing is all over the place today but I am SO ANGRY! Have I said that enough?

I know this isn't the typical "YAY You can do it"! blog that I usually have but seriously, today I am just over it.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not going to stop. I'm about to look up everything I can find on shin splints and do whatever I can to make them better. I literally thought my bone was about to pop out until L told me that can't happen. Ha!

I guess the moral of the lesson? If you're out of shape, don't wait to get in shape. Nothing is holding you back from leaving your house and going for a walk. I have waited so long that it's going to take awhile before I am used to all of the repercussions of treating your body badly. I deserve it in all honesty and as I write this, I find myself letting go of some of the anger I had earlier and accepting fate. I can't give up.

I have one year. One year to get in shape and make sure I know how to fix my body when it needs fixing. And Lord knows, I am trying. My daddy always said "Never say TRY, just DO IT". I mean he would say that when talking about anything! Even when he used to make us finish every last morsel of food on our plate, there was no try involved. We knew we either did it, or dealt with the consequences. In this case, I'm taking his advice and just going to do it.

On a brighter note, I'll be posting a recipe everyday this week or a lunch suggestion for something quick and easy for those of us who are always on the go! Like I said, I'm no genius but I do read a lot and know what is working for me. I also know that 10 times out of 10, turkey meat is always better than beef.

Look for the recipe up later today!

I'm going to go sulk now. =p Okay Okay. No, I'm totally going to turn on Hero by Mariah and play it until I believe it.

Peace ya'll!

-K

WEIGH IN Monday!!

Yay! The day that we've all (okay maybe just me?) been waiting for is finally here! It's officially been one week!

It is truly amazing what your body is capable of. Last Monday, when I officially started bootcamp, I was extremely sore. I didn't admit it completely to all of you, but I knew it in my heart/brain, that I did NOT complete nearly enough of the exercises. I completed less than half of what the rest of the class was able to complete. I was tired, teary eyed, I felt like throwing up...in fact, I would be hard pressed to find another time in my life when I felt more inadequate as a woman.

However, in ONE WEEKS time, my body has shown me what it is capable of and I am SO BLESSED to have it! How could I treat it so badly after all of these years? I remember thinking to myself last week "My body is so mad at me for pushing it so hard that is why it is making me feel like shit". In truth, it was the total opposite (of course I knew this but my mind was trying to convince me of what the heart did not want to believe). Sometimes, we just have to trust our heart (and treat it kind)!

With no pretense I can honestly say that I am overweight, obese even. That is SO so HARD to admit to all of you, even if you see it everyday, it is STILL hard to say out loud.  Yet my body WANTS to survive. It WANTS to bear children someday. It WANTS to run for miles on end. It WANTS to have nutrients to sustain. Most of all? It WANTS to PUSH itself so that I am able to live the fullest life I am capable of.

Today was unlike any other day at bootcamp. I came in and when we began running (always first thing) I may not have been able to keep up with the rest of the class but DAMN I came in about 2 minutes or less behind everyone else and it was a pretty far run! That's when I realized that my body had missed exercising over the weekend (yeah I never went to walk those dogs...).

It was an upper body day and it was pouring rain. I just KNEW W was not about to make us run on the slick boardwalk. The waves were crashing and the water was just pouring down. In fact, upon walking up to the area in which we workout, both L and I commented about how there was no way W would make us run on this. Huh? It's like he didn't see the rain. We immediately had to take off.

Once we finished running we began working out our upper bodies and it was so amazing. FORM is VERY important. I am still trying to get it down completely but I am getting SO much better! I can't even believe the things my body is capable of, I know I keep repeating myself but I am just in AWE!

My point is, if you are sitting on your ass reading this and thinking to yourself "I need to do something", GET OUT AND DO IT. Gyms aren't for everyone so if you're like me and don't "do" gyms, get on google! Type in your cities name, type in bootcamp or spinning class or Zumba (even tho I think that shit looks totally wack). Don't tell yourself that you're going to start out small and work your way up. Start out BIG and do what you can.

Everyone's bodies are not the same. Maybe you'll feel what I felt today after two days, maybe it will take two weeks. Who cares? You'll GET THERE. Believing in yourself and your future is half of the battle.

There was a recent study done that says in order for a normal weight woman to maintain her weight over the course of the years (on average women gain anywhere from 1-2lbs per year regardless) then they need to exercise at least 1 hour 7 days a week. You can find some info on this study here: NY Post Article. The reason I chose this article is because it shows you older women who raise families, work fulfilling careers and STILL find time to exercise an hour a day. Uh, hello people out there wondering if they can do it.

I started this blog to keep myself disciplined. To remind myself of what I was accomplishing everyday and yet now I'm getting so many e-mails from those of you who say it helps them. You have no idea how much YOU help ME. You push me in ways you couldn't believe and for that I truly am thankful. It also doesn't hurt that our bootcamp instructor isn't in your face rude and quite the opposite really. He makes you want to keep on keepin on.

This weekend D & I went shopping and for the first time since I was at home in Illinois living with my family 11 years ago (Hello 5 brothers and a sister!) I have a gallon (a whole gallon!) of milk in my home! I HATE milk with a passion but you need it. We decided to go with the 1% since I'm not too keen on the skim just yet. All in time.

I also was able to get some great stuff for salads, meals that are great for both D (he is 6'5 and works out but has to eat a lot of protein because for some reason I guess he likes gaining weight?) and myself. Last night I made turkey tacos and whereas I usually load my tacos with meat and cheese, instead I put in the lettuce and tomatoes first, sprinkled just a bit with skim cheese and added the meat on last. I can usually have anywhere from 3-4 of these along with spanish rice. However, last night I ate one. Waited 5 or so minutes and ate another. Just when I thought I would get up and get another one, my body let me know I was full. No need to keep eating.

It is SUCH a beautiful thing when your body talks to you and you actually LISTEN!

I almost had wine this weekend but decided there is no reason to waste calories on something so menial when I've always known how to have a good time without it. =)

Okay so now it's the time to tell you all how much weight I have lost in the past week. Drumroll please!

6.2lbs gone! Yes I did put that .2 there! Everything counts in my eyes! You may not think it is that much or you may think it is great! I don't care. I know that I'm doing everything right and I FEEL good. It's going to go slowly. There is no miracle to make it disappear. I'm doing it the healthy way without any pills or starvation. I am listening to my body and I'm loving it. =)

If you are going to do weigh-ins an important thing to remember is that it's not so much about the weight more than your inches that you are losing. Also, don't weigh yourself everyday, once a week is more than enough. Try to pick a time that is consistent. Such as, every Monday at 9am. Your body weight fluctuates because the body is made mostly of water. It is important to weigh yourself around the same time of day every week.


I'm a smoker and I've got to STOP that too! I know, I know. I love my body but I don't love it enough to quit smoking. Eh, I do but all in due time. Maybe one of you can start a blog on quitting smoking so I can get some inspiration? ha!

Love you all!

-K

Also - Let me know if any of you have any suggestions on what you'd like to see here. Recipes? Tips on what to buy at the grocery store. Pictures. Anything at all. I'm not an expert but I sure love to read and it's all working for me!

Please feel free to post any advice or tips you may have as well!

No matter how good it gets....

It will never be like before.

Okay so I totally stole those words from Kanye's new song "See me now" which if you haven't heard yet is quite the lyrical genius that we used to love from Ye until he went and sold his soul to love by dropping 808 Heartbreak. But I digress...

The whole purpose of that quote is because I had a dream last night. A dream where I was a young, beautiful 20 year old again who somehow/someway thought I was fat at a size 4 in college (this part was totally true) but then I flashed forward and saw myself in like 7 years time and realized I better enjoy it while it lasted!

Long story short, it will never be like it was before. As you age your body changes immensely (Hello perky breasts and goodbye in a blink of an eye). When you're young, adults always tell you "Enjoy your youth and not paying bills while you can"! Well, I have a new plan. Whenever I decide to have children I will simply tell them "Enjoy that endurance you have now because as you age you won't have it anymore, so keep talkin slick". Seriously. Our bodies are like cars, we'll never fully know how they operate but we can atleast try to fix them.

So today was day 5 of fitness bootcamp and WOW! L & I made it through week 1! I can't say I'm THAT proud of myself, I mean, I'll be proud when I've made it through Week 8. I will celebrate then by buying workout clothes (hopefully a bit smaller) from Under Armor. I love their stuff but I'll be pissed if I spend the money on it now and it's all baggy a few months from now.

I'm actually kind of sad that I won't have to get up at 5:30am tomorrow morning and run or jump or lift weights or ...wait. No I'm not. However, L and I are planning on a long walk with her dogs this weekend. =)

OVERALL PROGRESS THIS WEEK:

Remember how yesterday I said I wasn't sore? Well, I woke up today singing a new tune. In fact it was so hard to move my arms in the shower! I struggle today at bootcamp but I realized I was actually doing EVERY exercise even if it was only for 20 or so seconds. I didn't skip one!

I dunno about all of you out there who exercise but I'm VERY self conscious. I find myself stopping in the middle of an exercise to pull down my shirt or pull up my pants...It's like I can't have any part of my body parts exposed. This is NOT good. Body image. Body image. Body image. Ugh. I dunno but I gotta get over it somehow. That's something I have to pull from within. I am getting better at the exercises, still not where I'd like to be but ...I'm coming along. L brought her mother along today and that was nice. She was a cheerleader! It was great to see her looking out and smiling. Now I wish my mom lived here.

I'm in a weird mood so I think I shall end this for now!

Love you all and you know how much I appreciate all of you for checking in and reading!! I gotta keep doing it even when I don't feel like it because if I don't...I know I'll give up...and failure is NOT an option!

Until Monday (unless I check in over the weekend)....light and love!

-K
Sidebar: Why am I just now realizing how GREAT bananas are when mixed with granola and milk? Insane. I'm like a 5 year old learning new things.

If you have a few seconds and want to check out some great music, check out my girl Lissie from my hometown and High School! It's a great song for those of us struggling with something and just trying to push through! -  Lissie - Everywhere I Go (Live) 

It's truly an amazing song and her entire album is banging! Would love it if you go and see her October 22nd at Hiro Ballroom in NYC! She truly is an amazing talent! The song is powerful!

Day 4 - I Get High High High High...

Not in the puff puff pass sense, but more like the "I'm on cloud 9 and it's gonna SUCK when I come down" sense.

Let me start off by saying yesterday was one of the worst days personally that I've had in awhile. I think I cried about 10 times. Crying for me isn't something that happens once in a blue moon. I am a FIRM believer that everyone should cry whenever they feel the need, scream when you wanna scream, and laugh when you wanna laugh. I try to do all three at least once a day just because IT IS GOOD for you. Seriously, my best friend Ang did a study on it in like High School haha.Uh...moving right along...

Needless to say when I awoke this morning I was actually looking forward to boot camp for the first time! When we arrived we immediately had to run laps. Today's bootcamp was at the park (it alternates between 2 different places so we get a different view each day). I have a love/hate relationship with this park. Love, because it is gorgeous. Hate, because it is crawling with people. Today he had us on one half of the basketball courts (they are pretty huge) and of course all of these guys are out there shooting hoops.

You do NOT know embarassing until you are in a dri-fit tight ass shirt and pants and are struggling physically and sweating profusely and you just feel SO gross in front of a TON of dudes watching while you work out. I don't care what anyone says, they totally were watching and I felt beedy eyes. I'm not sure they liked what they saw at this point. I swear, I can't wait til the day when I am not so self concious and I actually don't give a f*** what other people think....Wow. Did I just say that? I can't believe I admitted it.

So often in life I honestly don't give a f*** what people think. But when it comes to my health or weight, I honestly do.

I get really discouraged when I think of how many years I wasted thinking I was "fat" when I truly wasn't and was a healthy size 4-8. Something was seriously wrong with my body image and I guess that's how I let it get this far. You have to be educated about your health before you can go in the right direction. Even the skinniest of women or men aren't necessarily healthy.

Body image & nutrition is something everyone should really study up on. I know they teach it both in high school and college, but the only thing I remember from that class is a teacher asking me if I knew what oral sex was and me saying it was when you talk during sex. (Yeah, I was THAT girl, totally naive).

I am, of course, on a natural high at the moment and I do NOT want to come down! We did serious suicides (you know the ones where you go to a line, touch, go back, go to the next line, go back and so on and so forth). I come from an entire family of athletes, I played basketball for a bit but got too wrapped up in my dreams of NYC and decided to stop and just focus on choir, drama and newspaper staff. (Okay you got me, I was always on the bench). Anyway, I used to LOVE suicides and so I really wanted to push myself when we were doing them, and I did! I ran each one (except the last, i more like jogged/walked) and it felt SO good!

Anyway, we did a lot of all over training today. Tons of cardio, tons of lifting and tons of squats.

When researching the bootcamp I would watch their videos and see the exercises they do and I would say to myself, "Yo, seriously...I'm not going to be able to do ANY of those" and what do you know? I can actually DO them! I may not be able to have the coordination EXACTLY down yet but W is SO good at helping me get it together. It really is like having a personal trainer, only you have the teamwork of others to help push you along! One lady even ran back to help me! I mean seriously, can it get any better?

I did make ONE mistake today, he was trying to make us do an exercise that I had seen in the videos and I knew immediately that I just couldn't do it. So what did I do? I said "I can't". Man, if you say "I Can't" he makes you do ten pushups. So...yeah. You guessed it. I had to do TEN horrendous pushups. But I think I was more stoked just to do them! I would even love to work out for an extra 30 minutes after every class!

With that said, in September the pool near my house has swimming lessons and I think I'm going to start taking those as well twice a week. Yes! I can swim! I just want to get better at it and with my endurance getting stronger I know I can swim even better! Why not, right?

On a serious note, to all of you out there wondering if you can do it? If I can, you can. I know you hear that so much. But it really is true. There is no secret or miracle weight loss or miracle anything.

I can easily drop 30lbs in 6 weeks. I've done it before, but I have never done it by exercising. Just by lowering my calorie intake. I've found that counting calories doesn't work for me! After I lose 30lbs I always go back to eating what I want! I'm from the midwest so steak and potatoes has always been a mainstay for me! And I LOVE to cook yummy down south food! But now I'm trying something different. PORTION control!

Have I had a steak yet? Nope! But if I want one, I'll have one. It won't be huge and I won't load my potato up and I'll definitely eat slow and wait for my body to tell me it's full, when it is, I'll stop. Food is FUEL now. That's all it is.

Usually I try to eat a really healthy cereal full of flax and grains when I get home. But today I just wasn't in the mood. Instead, I treated myself to a cup of apple jacks and skim milk of course! Ha! I know, I didn't go CRAZY but it's much better than an sausage egg and cheese I would normally have from McDonalds. But, the point I'm trying to make here is that you don't have to give up everything you love. Once you do the research on places like McDonald's etc. you'll start to view that food as disgusting. It's true! Now, that's not to say that on Day 30 I won't treat myself to a small fry, I just might! But I won't be super sizing or even getting a medium size!

I don't know if I will stick with everything on the nutritioin. I can't see the future. But I do know that for now, I'm praying with all of my heart and really positive that I CAN do it. And if I can, so can you!

Again, thank you to all of you who read the blog! Your support has been more than amazing on Facebook!

If any of you have questions on the boot camp or want to join, let me know =)


Love,
K

Day 3! Cardio!!!!

Today was Cardio! Yay!!! Okay, not so much. Really though, Is there a better way to lose weight than doing cardio? Don't answer that. I'm not ready to lift more than ten pounds, thanks. (We'll save heavy strength training for a few months down the road).

Today was a day full of cardio, W specifically didn't tell us this yesterday so that he could make sure we all showed up today! Ha! Oh ye of little faith!

Monday was an upper body day (yet for some reason I came home with both sore arms AND legs) and Tuesday was lower body (did I mention that in order to SIT yesterday I had to first prop myself up on something? The pain was horrendous!).

However today, Wednesday, not so bad! I was actually able to walk up my stairs normally (with a little pain) instead of taking one step at a time. Yay! Go me!

When I woke up this morning I totally didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep! It didn't help that I took a nap yesterday and wasn't able to fall asleep until 3am! So technically I got about 2 in a half hours of sleep! I was a crab when L picked me up and once we got there, he immediately had us running what seemed like a MILE away. I know it definitely wasn't a mile but it totally seemed that way.

Next it was onto a bunch of running and jogging and squats of all kinds (who invents this stuff?!?!?).

The girls in the class are AMAZING. I mean AMAZING. We are definitely there to work out but without teamwork I KNOW I wouldn't have been able to push through on so many of the obstacles today.

At one point I had to stop, I just knew I couldn't go on...one of the girls grabbed my hand and began to pump me up and drag me along with her, it was AMAZING! I wasn't able to finish with her but it definitely pushed me about 20 seconds longer, which in my estimation is pretty damn good. 20 seconds longer is 20 seconds longer and each time I go longer than before I smile inside.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the class loser. Having never worked out before I get REALLY down on myself. That's when I begin to feel the tears well up in my eyes (I'm a VERY sensitive person, also a VERY rude person, I know it's weird). If everyone else is running the entire length and I'm jogging 30 seconds, walking 20 (and so on) I feel like I'm such a failure! I dunno.

I blame it on me always wanting to succeed. I've never failed at anything. I usually do exactly what I set out to do. WHAT DO I ALWAYS FAIL IN? Being healthy!! If I start something, I finish it. If I fall, I get back up. So this exercise thing is KILLING ME when I see others doing better than me I just want to run to the car and go home and forget it ever happened. I am always saying "Sorry sorry sorry" as if I'm doing something wrong. Now in retrospect I know that I'm not, I'm trying. But during the time when it's happening I truly feel as if I'm failing.

There are two things I try to think of to keep me going:
1. I HAVE to get healthy for MYSELF. I will turn 30 in a year and a month. (I'm 28). I don't want to bring kids into this world (uhhh years and years down the line, no time soon!) and be an unhealthy mother! I want to be able to run and jump and play with them and teach them about food and what is good for your body and what they should avoid.

I also think of my dad A LOT when I'm at bootcamp. Everytime I'm ready to quit I try to push myself, even if it's just for 3 extra seconds. I just think of my dad. He was extremely unhealthy. Had diabetes, gout and a host of other issues. When he passed away I had a year left of college and was going to be the first to graduate from college in our ENTIRE family (I was!). Yes I was hurt when he died but more than anything I was SO ANGRY.

I felt he was selfish. Selfish for not taking care of himself so that he could be there for us. I don't have that same feeling but when I'm down and about to quit at an exercise, I think of that feeling and I push through. I don't want my kids to EVER feel that way.

2. I don't fail. I've said it before but this is another thing that keeps me going. I don't know how to fail so how come I'm so damn good at it when it comes to my own health and body image? I want to FINALLY beat this damn demon and live my life!

These two things truly do help me go the extra mile (not literally, figuratively =) ). But what kept me pushing through today was the camaraderie of the other ladies. From one grabbing my hand to pull me along, to another screaming my name and that I could do it! If she thinks I can, why don't I?

With all of that said, I've made it past day 3 and I'm ecstatic! I don't know if this is real or not, but I truly feel like my skin has improved. LOL, is that possible? 3 days in? HA!

Monday I weigh myself. I'll totally let you all know if I lost anything but you are SO not going to know my weight =) Not until I'm at least comfortable with it.

Alas, I am off! Thanks for all of you who check in and read this blog. It helps to motivate me knowing that so many of you are following me on my journey to a healthy and better me!

Love,
K

Day 2...Help me Lord

OUCH!!!!!!

Today I was pushed to my limits. Our instructor knew I needed an extra push (even if I didn't want it) and he made sure to stand in front of my while doing high kicks (20 secs high kicks, 10 secs rest, for five minutes). Also ran around the track...And a TON of lunges, I swear I think like 300!! I am so exhausted, my legs hurt but my arms are starting to get better.

One of the ladies in the class told me how it will get easier once I'm not so sore and to just keep pushing through.

Even though my family doesn't live in the state I live in and they are thousands of miles away, we are all very close. And since I began working out they have been nothing but encouraging, their encouraging words help SO much to keep pushing me.

L also helps. She motivates me in ways she doesn't even know!

The class is hard, it's for any and everyone but EVERYONE is pushed to their limits. If your back, neck, lower back, and thighs aren't sweating, you're doing something wrong. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

One great tip our instructor gave us was not to eat before early am workouts. Another one was to drink a bottle of water (COLD COLD COLD) before going to bed. Your body has to work to bring the temperature of the water up to your body temperature, therefore it burns more calories! I love that tip! I mean, who can't simply drink one glass of cold water before bedtime?

Speaking of bedtime, I really have to work on going to bed at a healthy hour. I aimed for 10pm last night but didn't fall asleep (blame Weeds premiere) until 11:30pm when I had to wake up at 5:30am.

Upon waking up I DID NOT want to leave the bed, ESPECIALLY seeing my handsome boyfriend sleeping soundly next to me. I literally just wanted to roll up in a ball and have him wrap his arms back around me, but I didn't!

If you have this same problem, FIND A PARTNER! Knowing that I had to pick L up at 6:10am really helps me get up. Usually when you neglect your body it's because you're always looking out for other people and wallowing in your own misery. If you find that this is your problem, finding a partner is great because it motivates you knowing that you are also responsible for another person, and vice versa. Seriously, L is my Godsend right now!

Anyway, I'm off for now. Sorry if all of the wording is screwed, I'm exhausted! Sue me!

3 more days to go this week and I'm hoping that by next week my body has finally adjusted!

Day 1 of Bootcamp

Hello (if anyone is reading this) -

Welcome!

Today was my first day of bootcamp. Was it hard? WORSE than hard. Did I cry? Yes. Did I throw up? Oddly enough, I didn't, but I almost did.

A little of backstory - I had been looking at this particular bootcamp for over 3 months and wanting to join but really wanted that extra push of a friend to go with me. What do you know? I went to a friends baby shower and while there met a girl, L, and she was moving to Jersey City! Once she got here, I immediately asked her if she wanted to join with me! As soon as it came out of my mouth (or email) I regretted it. I thought omg I hope she doesn't take this the wrong way. But she didn't! She said YES immediately and off we went! 

Luckily our instructor is extremely understanding, but he's also FIRM. I've never worked out before. I just don't do it. But now starting everyday Monday through Friday from 6:45am - 7:50am, I will be letting the instructor (Let's call him W for arguments sake) W, hold me and my body hostage as I take on this journey.

This journey takes place outside during every season but the winter. Can you imagine?! Suits are walking past us and staring as they go to work but it was SUCH a motivator to keep pushing on. Could I do every exercise? Not at all. But my hope is that by the end, I can and I know I will.

This is a lifestyle change. It's not just about working out...it's about taking note of what I eat as well.

For starters, I had a peach this morning before the work out and when I came home, I had some (quite surprisingly) really great Blueberry Granola with Flax that you can get from Target for about 2.50 and it's so great.

I am utterly sore. Today was an upper body workout but I find that my legs are sore, my arms are sore, my back is sore...I'm just sore all over.

What's great about the bootcamp is all of the women are there to motivate and help each other. They understood it was my first day and I couldn't possibly get all of the steps down. And the instructor was more than helpful.

Not sure about lunch yet, probably 2 eggs and a piece of whole wheat toast.

I'm not going to deny myself food that I want. But I'm also not going to over indulge. NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE should be eating 3 cupcakes in one sitting and man, I totally used to be able to do that ha! Not anymore. After coming from bootcamp, I don't even WANT to drink a coffee or a latte or anything that could hinder what I did this morning. I pushed myself and hopefully in the upcoming days and weeks, I'll push myself harder and faster and I can only go one way...down. =) on the scale that is!