So...Here's the thing...

Okay, so here's the thing...I've been slacking. Not in the "Oh I am gonna eat this Big Mac and fries" sense but more like the..."I'm not working out this week so I'm gonna chill" or "It's my birthday so I'm just gonna take a break" sense.

It sucks to know you should be doing something but you don't.

Here is the deal.

Saturday we went to Six Flags to celebrate my birthday. I felt like (and so did everyone) I should be really proud of myself. We got lunch specifically from Wa-Wa before going. (Don't judge me, It was my choice and I freaking LOVE their sandwiches!) and I drank nothing but water all day (as usual) but then around 6pm after all that walking around and the smells of funnel cakes and ice cream and pizza wafting to my nose...D and I decided to split an order of fries. =/ I know I know. I hadn't eaten french fries in a month. It's not like I committed a murder but for some reason I felt SO BAD afterward.

Then I realized, I spent all that time walking around the park, hours in fact, going on rides and enjoying MY day so splitting an order of fries is something I NEVER would have done. In fact, I would have had a burger, fries AND a funnel cake or ice cream, ALL to MYSELF. So splitting an order of french fries? Not gonna kill me.

Did I mention after all that we also went to see a movie and I avoided the popcorn, candy and soft drinks? Yeah, pretty rad.

Sunday, I woke up with a sore back (Thanks Kingda Ka!) and did our grocery shopping (bought a new crockpot yay!) and pretty much stayed in. We had so many season finales to watch, including  the VMAs. Anyone catch True Blood? So not impressed with that finale....anyway...

I stayed on track Sunday for the most part. Only problem? Once again, I didn't eat six small meals. I definitely didn't eat anything too bad but I really should have had 6 small meals. It's SO hard for me on the weekends.

Monday was a free day for me. It was my ACTUAL birthday. D got me a cupcake as requested, I ate half of it. I felt horrible after. Is this what it is going to be like forever? I mean, I know the answer to that...of course not. But how do you enjoy foods that you once loved and then feel guilty afterward? It's not a fun feeling.

I did NOT work out on Monday and once again today, I did NOT work out. I think KNOW this has something to do with me feeling like crap and totally unmotivated.

The day isn't over, so I'm going to hope and pray I can just get up the energy and go for a run later. Usually, I celebrate my birthday all week with drinking, parties and rooftops and MORE drinking. I didn't this year and that is an accomplishment within itself but I could be doing better.

Even more depressing? I weighed myself today and I lost .2lbs. 0.2!!! UGH. So demoralizing, yet it is better than gaining and with a new bootcamp cycle starting next week I know I can lose 2lbs this week (I WILL be working out the rest of this week Wed-Fri) and next week the goal is going to be 3lbs.

I CAN do this and I WILL do this. I just gotta get my mo-jo back. Damn birthday. =/

So, goals? To lose 1.8lbs at least by next Monday. (9/20)

Second goal? To lose 3lbs the following week by 9/27)


Here's to praying it can happen.


Morale to this story is, if you're not working out, you're not helping yourself. You truly are only hindering yourself. My entire mental state is fucked because of skipping workouts. Not to mention I just read an article that says it can take you up to a year to really get used to WANTING to work out. The motivation has to be internal versus external. Here's a link to the article a friend shared with me: It takes more than a year to truly get into exercise . Oh Joy. Luckily, I kind of already knew this and more than my outside rewards, I want to be healthy.



With that said, I'm off to find some motivation for this week. First blog post that wasn't so positive? Sorry guys. =(


Love you all!
K

On a side note, here is a picture taken of me at six flags. It was one of the first times that I actually liked the first shot and didn't have someone retake it.

I'm not sure if that is arm definition but I'd like to believe it is. =)

Also as an aside, my old supervisor, LN, just joined a bootcamp (in her neck of the woods of Brooooklynnn) and thanked me for the motivation. How amazing is that?! Way to go LN! Cannot WAIT to hear more about it!

Four Weeks Down! With Pics!

Well the day is here! An update through pictures...

I took a lot of them (well D did) but honestly I'm not thrilled with ANY of them so I'm going to save them all and throughout the program I'll do side by side shots of front, side and back, for now, you get a front and a side. I can NOT show you the back yet. UGH! I just can't! Why is my ass square?! Needless to say, I won't be doing fashion week this year...however, I plan on going to every show I possibly can next year! (Well the ones I get invited to-and possibly the ones I don't ha!)

Anyway, remember, the first before picture is not a picture I actually meant to be a before pic, as I didn't start it in time, so it is just a photo of me taken by a friend. Someone tell me how in the hell I had the nerve to wear that?! =)

Before (Best side angle I could find. See the gross ass fat hanging out of my back even from the SIDE!)

After - Not great but improving!

Front - After

 Now, I can admit, it's not that HUGE of a difference. I wasn't expecting one. No one should let four weeks get them discouraged. I am losing fat and gaining muscle AND energy and endurance! The bottom line is, if you can make it past one month, imagine what you could do in 2 or 3 or 6?!

I wanted to give everyone a heads up on what I'm eating so I listed a days meal plan below. Remember, I eat things that I want. I am just healthier about my choices, I'm not going to have a 500 calorie piece of pizza (When you know you can't just eat one slice). It's loaded with fat and grease and ugh. Just the thought....

Breakfast: 2 eggs and 1/2 cup of Special K w/ 1% milk and 1 pack of sweet n low

Snack: 1 pickle (sorry I had a craving)

Lunch: 1 Lean Cuisine Pepperoni Pizza (So yummy and easy and quick!!! Only about 330 calories!)

Dinner: 3/4 cup of shredded chicken 1/4 of a red potato, onions and carrots (all made in the crockpot)
Dessert: (I only eat this once a week) but I get the Smart Ones Desserts, my fav is the Reeses peanut butter cup low fat ice cream!

Like I said, I don't count calories but this is all definitely under 1400 calories and yummmmmmy. I am full and I eat at decent times. You shouldn't be eating dinner past 8 if you're in bed at 10. Remember to try to eat dinner 3-4 hours before you go to bed!

I really try to limit (and have) my dessert to once a week. If I have dessert it has to be something low in fat and I bust my ass the next day to burn it off.

Eating protein in the morning for breakfast will help you stay full throughout the day.

I have OFFICIALLY made it through 4 weeks of bootcamp! I have 3 days next week (it's our off week). Then a new session starts Sept. 20th! My birthday is Monday so I still haven't decided if I'm going to do anything that day or not.

Gotta get some work done so...I'm outtie!

LOVE YOU ALL!!! Thanks for reading and following along on my journey. Don't forget to tune into the VMA's on MTV Sunday! It's gonna be a banger!

xoxo,
K

ps. CRUNCHES SUCK!

Let's GET IT IN!!!!!!

Hello all of my lovely readers and HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND!

I hope that everyone has Friday off and is enjoying their day, if not, then what better to do at work than read this here blog? Exactly. Nothing beats that!

Today was OFFICIALLY 3 weeks DOWN of bootcamp! I feel AMAZING, great, powerful and I'm positively GLOWING.

It's so weird for me. Seriously.

Today, my girl, Esq, drove up from Piscataway and attended bootcamp with me and it was truly a different experience for me. To have a friend there who is already in shape and athletic AND hasn't seen me in about 3 weeks? Amazing. Why you ask?

1. She told me she could definitely tell I lost weight. And believe me, Esq is a straight shooter. She doesn't bullshit.

2. Because she was totally worked out! She said it was INTENSE and was super proud of all I've accomplished.

I mean, I'm super proud too but it's nice to have someone come in and LIVE what you go through everyday of the week. TO have her approval and excitement over me finishing 3 weeks, well, it meant the world! And, today was a CORE day, I DESPISE core days. 3 weeks ago I couldn't have even told you which part of my body was core, I probably would have said "My back". Uh...yeah.

During the morning run, I ALMOST cheated. I was so frustrated with never coming in first or even close. You can have no idea how I feel until you've constantly came in last. Over and over and over again. It's almost like being picked last for a team in High School, only, in High School I was NEVER picked last. Ha!

Today both Esq and another girl from bootcamp, A, asked me why I get so upset about that. Esq said they aren't cheating anyone but themselves if they cheat and although it is true....I dunno. I can't honestly say why it bothers me. I probably need to work on that, that is definitely a personal problem. Now I have to figure out where it stems from.

All I know is that I HATE coming in last.

Needless to say, I finished the route as requested and came back to our instructor ready to go!

I am getting faster, I feel it! It's amazing, even if I can't run the full time, my endurance is building slowly but surely! I am really worried about the week off in between sessions but luckily I have at least one day (the rain day) to make up so that will be good.

Towards the end of our session W totally put me on the spot! He said if I could do high kicks (touching his hand as he stood in front of me) for the entire time, he would let everyone be out. I KNOW everyone was thinking "Oh great! Ask slow ass Kristin"! Guess who pushed through it?! ME! I totally pushed through it, even if I almost threw up after it was all said and done. I am just so proud of myself.

There is no feeling like the feeling of content I have in my heart for my mind body and soul. I'm not 100% yet, I'm not "skinny" yet, hell I'm not even a normal weight yet...BUT, I am HAPPY because I know there is a light!


Here is a picture of our FABULOUS group today! Well, a few of them with our instructor! =)

Love you girls!

Sorry it is so blurry and I'm also sorry for any typos or grammatical errors as I'm typing this straight from the heart and FAST!

With that said, I am off to enjoy my weekend and I hope you all enjoy yours as well!

xoxo,
K


Sidebar: Test yourself this weekend, try not to drink alcohol! Needless calories!

Do you know what it's like to be light on your feet?

Well I don't. Or..well...I can't really remember.

All of my adult life I have been exhausted. Getting out of the bed in the morning is a chore rather than a moment of joy at waking up another morning to enjoy my wonderful life. Once I'm showered, teeth brushed, hair did, and ready to go, I'm already hating the walk to the train station. The walk from the train station has been horrid on my lower back. I find myself sometimes taking a cab 10 blocks! Who does that?! Who pays 7 bucks everyday just to hop into a cab to get to a train station? And then, don't even get me started on the subway stairs! I'm carrying around massive weight and it's so unattractive. The sweat. The pain. All of it.

The one thing that gives me joy is walking into Times Square realizing I'm living my dream. I'm okay at that point but still sweating and in pain. I can't WAIT to sit down at my desk and take a breather. Sometimes, I even hold off on going to the bathroom just because I'm too lazy to get my fat ass up out of my chair.

Yes I know, this is BRUTALLY honest. Some of you may judge me, go ahead. I'm totally judging myself.

As of today, I realized something. I don't MIND getting up in the morning anymore. Sure, it's still like oh shit, sleep is over. But fuck that, I'm ready to get on with my day and LIVE! I'm carrying around weight but I'm 10 pounds lighter in two weeks! Imagine 3 months from now! Imagine 6 months from now!

With that said, my lovely friend, let's call her Esq since she is a lawyer, said I should do a picture update. Meaning, put a before picture up and then an after picture up at the end of every month. Now I've totally considered this before but I got scared. However, with her push, I think I'm going to. I don't have any of me from before I started, besides fully clothed, I doubt I'd ever put up one with just a sports bra on, so I'm going to just have to post one of those for now. I'll see if I can find any full body. Then, at the end of the 4 weeks I'll put up a new one, side by side of course. I'll continue to do this at the end of every bootcamp session.

For now, here is the only full body I could find:

Okay wait. I just got totally grossed out. I'm not even sure I can do this! I literally could NOT find any full body photos on my laptop or facebook because I TOTALLY don't post them or I edit or crop them. I had to pull out my memory card. Upon doing so, OMG I'm ready to cry. Let's just say that...Okay...I'm going to get it together. I must post, both for myself and those of you out there also struggling. But most of all, so I can be reminded to NEVER get back here. For those of you out there who love me, please keep pushing me. It truly makes a difference.

Here we go, second try...I've gotten utterly great at knowing how to pose (thanks Mariah!) for pics so that I don't look too fat, but these are the rare instances where I let it all hang out:

                                               Front:                                          

Back

Ugh, I'm so skeeved out just by looking at them! Alas, I must move on and continue on this journey. I NEVER want to see myself back here again and I'll be damned if I ever let anyone see me this weak again!

Anyway, needless to say, next time the pics will be more professional, ya know, front back side, all that jazz.

Last night I threw on a pair of sweats that are my go-to pants for comfort! I noticed something weird, they KEPT falling down! You know the strings that you use to make them tighter? Well, those strings had long since tied themselves into a knot and I cannot get it undone! I need to make them tighter and I can't! I'm not saying I lost a bunch of weight, we all know it's only 10 pounds. But, it did make me happy to notice something that is a NSV (Non-scale victory). Now when can I get rid of this horrid double chin?! It makes my head look bigger than it already is! I mean, my head is HUGE. 

Todays Bootcamp:

Today was an upper body day. Seems W told a few of the girls that today we would be doing pull ups. I am SO glad he did not tell me that. I would have been dreading it!

We started off running, as usual for our warm up. After that, we came over to our mats and began doing all sorts of weight lifts and also exercises using the resistance bands. I was whewwwww. It felt SO GOOD though!

I also had AMAZING shin splints today. The pain was WORSE than ever. However, I couldn't let it slow me down. We were running on soft asphalt which definitely helped but then he brought us over to what looked like a way too high hill. I asked if we were just gonna roll down it. Ha! I couldn't imagine running up that thing! Alas, what did we have to do? W stood at the top and let us know that it was time to run up and down and up and down and up and down and so on...he also said that he didn't want to see us get halfway up the hill and then start to walk, we had to follow through. That always helps me, a pep talk and a threat. HA!

Anyway, I did it! I ran through the pain (I'll probably pay for it tomorrow). I ran and ran and man it felt GOOD. After 2 minutes of this it was time to do wall sits.

I hate these with a passion and fire I never knew I had inside of me. However, I did them and I'm still alive.

I must say, the word "bootcamp" sounds scary. I hear that from so many of you who are suffering through the same disease, laziness and obesity. However, the women, W and just the way the entire group pushes each other on is indispensable. We laugh and we joke and we have a good time. That is, until W hears us and says that if we have the energy to laugh and talk then we aren't working hard enough.

Y said something to me today that I found important. She told me how it's not always about the weight we lose. It's also about the inches. Sometimes, the inches aren't shown on the scale (most times). This is why it is important I measure myself again. I will be doing that soon!

Anyway folks, I'm outtie! Busy day in front of me and I just want to let you know how much you all are appreciated. Thank you for following me on this journey, not judging (or judging), being a voice of reason when I'm ready to give in and being a voice of encouragement.

This journey is nowhere near at it's end. But I'm two weeks and 2 days in and I am already beginning to feel like a new person knowing there is a light at the end of the road.

Much love,
K

I'm a Host of Imperfection...

"but you see past all that. In your eyes I'm a Queen. You see potential in all my flaws, and that's exactly what I need".

Today's quote is from Flaws and All - Beyonce . I don't think I could have picked a better quote for today. For the past (let's just say MANY) years I've been in a relationship.

The way I grew up, I knew to never let a man in. Atleast, that is what my father taught me. All men are dogs, you have to train them. I learned so much from him, however, over the years D has taken my heart and flipped it upside down into a position of forever yearning and wanting him beside me.

When we first started dating I was at my smallest size, over the years I've grown and gotten bigger (obvz!). But no matter how many times I ask him to tell me if I'm fat, he refuses, saying he only sees ME. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday. He still kisses me before he goes to work and when he comes home. He has been a provider, a lover and a mainstay to my happiness. I dunno how I got so lucky. I must've done something really great in a past life.

Our relationship is not without fault, we work through everything and we've had some major curveballs thrown at us. Not believing in marriage until after 30 is one of them. =) (Sidebar: I get SO tired of people asking us when we are going to get married, WORRY about your OWN love life!). However, without him by my side this journey would be so much harder.

Anyway, I write all of these loving words for one purpose. That purpose being that last night we had a talk. I let him know how very sorry I was. How sorry I was that I let myself go. It is so important to be HONEST with ourselves. If we are in a relationship we need (I don't care if you disagree, I'm RIGHT!) to make sure that we are trying to be our very best for the other person. No letting yourself go once you get married. Why would *I* want to be married to a slob? I want to be the trophy on his arm when we walk into a room, I want to make him proud. He of course just looked at me and said the right things a man who loves you SHOULD say but sometimes I wonder if deep down he is really happy I'm finally taking on this journey.  He works out constantly and believes in being healthy and physically fit so I do know that he is happy that I am on a road to a healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, This blog is an ode to all he has put up with over the years from me. Because let's face it, I'm a huge (literally and figuratively) rude bitch. I just am. I can't help it and I'm not sure I want to.

With all of that said, today's bootcamp....well....My shin splints HURT!!!!!!! There was so much running today I was SO annoyed and I'm not sure I disguised it very well. I know I rolled my eyes more than a few times. It was just annoying watching the other girls take off on their running and me staying back and doing a lame exercise that ISN'T running. Not to say that exercise doesn't work me, it does, but it's not the same as running and I LIKE running so when I can't, it really pisses me off to see other people doing it.

Wait...did I just say I LIKE running? Kill me now. Who woulda thought 2 weeks ago? Well, I'm very discouraged and worried that I may never be able to run again if these shin splints don't get better!! I know, such the drama queen. They'll get better...but when?!

W asked me today how my mental state was, basically if I was letting the injury get me down. I tried to be honest. I'm not totally sure I am. I did push myself today, it's just utterly discouraging to see everyone else doing something that you can't do. He did tell me however that he sees me improving everyday, I want to believe it because I feel it but I dunno if he's just throwing a huge load of shit in my direction. =p It's so hard to find confidence in a skill set you've never acquired.

We start week 3 next week and it is bring your friend to bootcamp week! So if any of you would like to try out bootcamp for a day, let me know!!! I already have Dr. M coming, so I'd love it if some of the rest of you tried it!

Well this is 2 weeks down guys. Can you believe it? TWO WHOLE freaking WEEKS!!! On Monday it's another weigh-in day for me and I can't wait to see what it is.

I'll just put it out there, my goal is to have lost 4 more pounds which would bring me to a total of 10 pounds lost in 2 weeks. Let's pray I get there!!

Many thanks and love to all of you and STOP posting comments on facebook and instead post them here!!!

If you haven't clicked the follow button above, please do so!

Enjoy your weekends! And remember, drinking alcohol is a needless calorie intake!

Love,
K

Sidebar: Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister Annette!!! 

"The Heart Is Stronger Than You Think..."

"It can go through anything and even when you think you can't you find a way to still push on."

Hello my lovely readers!

The quote above is from a song titled Just Stand Up . Today at boot camp upon arrival we were told to immediately do two laps around the track. Well, as soon as I began running I felt the pain in my shins. All I could think about was how to describe it to those of you who have never experienced it (God Bless your hearts!). It is almost like something overtaking your leg and leaving you with a dull monotone pain that does not go away. I decided to walk instead and of course try and do it as fast as possible. I realized I began to care less what others thought and even though everyone finished before me, I wasn't TOO far behind. I still felt stupid when I walked up and already everyone was doing jumping jacks. I mean damn.

Luckily for me W gave me alternate exercises to do (except for running) for everything that hurt my leg. Weirdly enough, jumping jacks killed me! So instead I did the alternate exercises and I PUSHED! About 20 minutes into our workout (today was upper body) I realized how GREAT I felt! Even if I wasn't doing the same exercises as everyone else (I'd say I did 75% of the same and 25% alternate) I was pushing myself and realized how different I was today rather than on Tuesday.

Tuesday I was utterly demoralized. Today, my heart took over my mind. It didn't matter that my mind was telling me to go slow, to take it easy, everyone would understand because I was in pain. My heart is what got me through the workout and like I said, 20 minutes in, I wanted to go harder.

There is nothing like the feeling of sweat dripping down your face (ewww right? Ha!) and knowing that you are creating that. Not the sun, not laying on a beach (which I LOVE to do), nothing other than your heart pushing your body.

I beg of you, if you haven't begun any type of workouts yet, please start! You will feel SO much better! Already I am in a MUCH better mood than I was yesterday.

I find myself walking past a mirror and smiling at myself. Not because I look any different (YET! It's only been a week in a half!), but because I FEEL good about myself. When you know that you have pushed yourself and you won the battle, how could you NOT feel good about yourself? I still have the double chin, my body is still nowhere near where it needs to be but I'm sorry, I totally feel GREAT to be Kristin. A woman who's heart is stronger than her mind, and I don't mind at all!

With that said today is going to be a busy day for me so I think I'm going to cut this one short. A lot of work and then off to see Dr. M and her new bundle of joy!!! I think while I'm there I'm also going to ask about knee pain. I'm getting sore knees (AGAIN - DO NOT WAIT until it is TOO late and your body is all fucked). I'm not sure if it's just because of workouts or if my knee is in bad shape. Only time will tell!

Tomorrow will probably undoubtedly be lower body. (Can you say OUCH to squats?) and I encourage all of you to do 3 sets of 20 crunches today. 3 sets of 20 squats and 3 sets of 25 jumping jacks. Just get your heart pumping and then email me or comment below about how you feel afterward.

ps. the emails yesterday were OVERWHELMING. Thank you THANK YOU for your love and support!

If you're not following the blog yet please click the FOLLOW button above. It is MOST appreciated. I want nothing more than 8 months from now for you all to still be on this journey with me. Obstacles will come, but I will overcome them.

Xoxo,
K

Day 4 - I Get High High High High...

Not in the puff puff pass sense, but more like the "I'm on cloud 9 and it's gonna SUCK when I come down" sense.

Let me start off by saying yesterday was one of the worst days personally that I've had in awhile. I think I cried about 10 times. Crying for me isn't something that happens once in a blue moon. I am a FIRM believer that everyone should cry whenever they feel the need, scream when you wanna scream, and laugh when you wanna laugh. I try to do all three at least once a day just because IT IS GOOD for you. Seriously, my best friend Ang did a study on it in like High School haha.Uh...moving right along...

Needless to say when I awoke this morning I was actually looking forward to boot camp for the first time! When we arrived we immediately had to run laps. Today's bootcamp was at the park (it alternates between 2 different places so we get a different view each day). I have a love/hate relationship with this park. Love, because it is gorgeous. Hate, because it is crawling with people. Today he had us on one half of the basketball courts (they are pretty huge) and of course all of these guys are out there shooting hoops.

You do NOT know embarassing until you are in a dri-fit tight ass shirt and pants and are struggling physically and sweating profusely and you just feel SO gross in front of a TON of dudes watching while you work out. I don't care what anyone says, they totally were watching and I felt beedy eyes. I'm not sure they liked what they saw at this point. I swear, I can't wait til the day when I am not so self concious and I actually don't give a f*** what other people think....Wow. Did I just say that? I can't believe I admitted it.

So often in life I honestly don't give a f*** what people think. But when it comes to my health or weight, I honestly do.

I get really discouraged when I think of how many years I wasted thinking I was "fat" when I truly wasn't and was a healthy size 4-8. Something was seriously wrong with my body image and I guess that's how I let it get this far. You have to be educated about your health before you can go in the right direction. Even the skinniest of women or men aren't necessarily healthy.

Body image & nutrition is something everyone should really study up on. I know they teach it both in high school and college, but the only thing I remember from that class is a teacher asking me if I knew what oral sex was and me saying it was when you talk during sex. (Yeah, I was THAT girl, totally naive).

I am, of course, on a natural high at the moment and I do NOT want to come down! We did serious suicides (you know the ones where you go to a line, touch, go back, go to the next line, go back and so on and so forth). I come from an entire family of athletes, I played basketball for a bit but got too wrapped up in my dreams of NYC and decided to stop and just focus on choir, drama and newspaper staff. (Okay you got me, I was always on the bench). Anyway, I used to LOVE suicides and so I really wanted to push myself when we were doing them, and I did! I ran each one (except the last, i more like jogged/walked) and it felt SO good!

Anyway, we did a lot of all over training today. Tons of cardio, tons of lifting and tons of squats.

When researching the bootcamp I would watch their videos and see the exercises they do and I would say to myself, "Yo, seriously...I'm not going to be able to do ANY of those" and what do you know? I can actually DO them! I may not be able to have the coordination EXACTLY down yet but W is SO good at helping me get it together. It really is like having a personal trainer, only you have the teamwork of others to help push you along! One lady even ran back to help me! I mean seriously, can it get any better?

I did make ONE mistake today, he was trying to make us do an exercise that I had seen in the videos and I knew immediately that I just couldn't do it. So what did I do? I said "I can't". Man, if you say "I Can't" he makes you do ten pushups. So...yeah. You guessed it. I had to do TEN horrendous pushups. But I think I was more stoked just to do them! I would even love to work out for an extra 30 minutes after every class!

With that said, in September the pool near my house has swimming lessons and I think I'm going to start taking those as well twice a week. Yes! I can swim! I just want to get better at it and with my endurance getting stronger I know I can swim even better! Why not, right?

On a serious note, to all of you out there wondering if you can do it? If I can, you can. I know you hear that so much. But it really is true. There is no secret or miracle weight loss or miracle anything.

I can easily drop 30lbs in 6 weeks. I've done it before, but I have never done it by exercising. Just by lowering my calorie intake. I've found that counting calories doesn't work for me! After I lose 30lbs I always go back to eating what I want! I'm from the midwest so steak and potatoes has always been a mainstay for me! And I LOVE to cook yummy down south food! But now I'm trying something different. PORTION control!

Have I had a steak yet? Nope! But if I want one, I'll have one. It won't be huge and I won't load my potato up and I'll definitely eat slow and wait for my body to tell me it's full, when it is, I'll stop. Food is FUEL now. That's all it is.

Usually I try to eat a really healthy cereal full of flax and grains when I get home. But today I just wasn't in the mood. Instead, I treated myself to a cup of apple jacks and skim milk of course! Ha! I know, I didn't go CRAZY but it's much better than an sausage egg and cheese I would normally have from McDonalds. But, the point I'm trying to make here is that you don't have to give up everything you love. Once you do the research on places like McDonald's etc. you'll start to view that food as disgusting. It's true! Now, that's not to say that on Day 30 I won't treat myself to a small fry, I just might! But I won't be super sizing or even getting a medium size!

I don't know if I will stick with everything on the nutritioin. I can't see the future. But I do know that for now, I'm praying with all of my heart and really positive that I CAN do it. And if I can, so can you!

Again, thank you to all of you who read the blog! Your support has been more than amazing on Facebook!

If any of you have questions on the boot camp or want to join, let me know =)


Love,
K

Day 3! Cardio!!!!

Today was Cardio! Yay!!! Okay, not so much. Really though, Is there a better way to lose weight than doing cardio? Don't answer that. I'm not ready to lift more than ten pounds, thanks. (We'll save heavy strength training for a few months down the road).

Today was a day full of cardio, W specifically didn't tell us this yesterday so that he could make sure we all showed up today! Ha! Oh ye of little faith!

Monday was an upper body day (yet for some reason I came home with both sore arms AND legs) and Tuesday was lower body (did I mention that in order to SIT yesterday I had to first prop myself up on something? The pain was horrendous!).

However today, Wednesday, not so bad! I was actually able to walk up my stairs normally (with a little pain) instead of taking one step at a time. Yay! Go me!

When I woke up this morning I totally didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep! It didn't help that I took a nap yesterday and wasn't able to fall asleep until 3am! So technically I got about 2 in a half hours of sleep! I was a crab when L picked me up and once we got there, he immediately had us running what seemed like a MILE away. I know it definitely wasn't a mile but it totally seemed that way.

Next it was onto a bunch of running and jogging and squats of all kinds (who invents this stuff?!?!?).

The girls in the class are AMAZING. I mean AMAZING. We are definitely there to work out but without teamwork I KNOW I wouldn't have been able to push through on so many of the obstacles today.

At one point I had to stop, I just knew I couldn't go on...one of the girls grabbed my hand and began to pump me up and drag me along with her, it was AMAZING! I wasn't able to finish with her but it definitely pushed me about 20 seconds longer, which in my estimation is pretty damn good. 20 seconds longer is 20 seconds longer and each time I go longer than before I smile inside.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the class loser. Having never worked out before I get REALLY down on myself. That's when I begin to feel the tears well up in my eyes (I'm a VERY sensitive person, also a VERY rude person, I know it's weird). If everyone else is running the entire length and I'm jogging 30 seconds, walking 20 (and so on) I feel like I'm such a failure! I dunno.

I blame it on me always wanting to succeed. I've never failed at anything. I usually do exactly what I set out to do. WHAT DO I ALWAYS FAIL IN? Being healthy!! If I start something, I finish it. If I fall, I get back up. So this exercise thing is KILLING ME when I see others doing better than me I just want to run to the car and go home and forget it ever happened. I am always saying "Sorry sorry sorry" as if I'm doing something wrong. Now in retrospect I know that I'm not, I'm trying. But during the time when it's happening I truly feel as if I'm failing.

There are two things I try to think of to keep me going:
1. I HAVE to get healthy for MYSELF. I will turn 30 in a year and a month. (I'm 28). I don't want to bring kids into this world (uhhh years and years down the line, no time soon!) and be an unhealthy mother! I want to be able to run and jump and play with them and teach them about food and what is good for your body and what they should avoid.

I also think of my dad A LOT when I'm at bootcamp. Everytime I'm ready to quit I try to push myself, even if it's just for 3 extra seconds. I just think of my dad. He was extremely unhealthy. Had diabetes, gout and a host of other issues. When he passed away I had a year left of college and was going to be the first to graduate from college in our ENTIRE family (I was!). Yes I was hurt when he died but more than anything I was SO ANGRY.

I felt he was selfish. Selfish for not taking care of himself so that he could be there for us. I don't have that same feeling but when I'm down and about to quit at an exercise, I think of that feeling and I push through. I don't want my kids to EVER feel that way.

2. I don't fail. I've said it before but this is another thing that keeps me going. I don't know how to fail so how come I'm so damn good at it when it comes to my own health and body image? I want to FINALLY beat this damn demon and live my life!

These two things truly do help me go the extra mile (not literally, figuratively =) ). But what kept me pushing through today was the camaraderie of the other ladies. From one grabbing my hand to pull me along, to another screaming my name and that I could do it! If she thinks I can, why don't I?

With all of that said, I've made it past day 3 and I'm ecstatic! I don't know if this is real or not, but I truly feel like my skin has improved. LOL, is that possible? 3 days in? HA!

Monday I weigh myself. I'll totally let you all know if I lost anything but you are SO not going to know my weight =) Not until I'm at least comfortable with it.

Alas, I am off! Thanks for all of you who check in and read this blog. It helps to motivate me knowing that so many of you are following me on my journey to a healthy and better me!

Love,
K

Day 1 of Bootcamp

Hello (if anyone is reading this) -

Welcome!

Today was my first day of bootcamp. Was it hard? WORSE than hard. Did I cry? Yes. Did I throw up? Oddly enough, I didn't, but I almost did.

A little of backstory - I had been looking at this particular bootcamp for over 3 months and wanting to join but really wanted that extra push of a friend to go with me. What do you know? I went to a friends baby shower and while there met a girl, L, and she was moving to Jersey City! Once she got here, I immediately asked her if she wanted to join with me! As soon as it came out of my mouth (or email) I regretted it. I thought omg I hope she doesn't take this the wrong way. But she didn't! She said YES immediately and off we went! 

Luckily our instructor is extremely understanding, but he's also FIRM. I've never worked out before. I just don't do it. But now starting everyday Monday through Friday from 6:45am - 7:50am, I will be letting the instructor (Let's call him W for arguments sake) W, hold me and my body hostage as I take on this journey.

This journey takes place outside during every season but the winter. Can you imagine?! Suits are walking past us and staring as they go to work but it was SUCH a motivator to keep pushing on. Could I do every exercise? Not at all. But my hope is that by the end, I can and I know I will.

This is a lifestyle change. It's not just about working out...it's about taking note of what I eat as well.

For starters, I had a peach this morning before the work out and when I came home, I had some (quite surprisingly) really great Blueberry Granola with Flax that you can get from Target for about 2.50 and it's so great.

I am utterly sore. Today was an upper body workout but I find that my legs are sore, my arms are sore, my back is sore...I'm just sore all over.

What's great about the bootcamp is all of the women are there to motivate and help each other. They understood it was my first day and I couldn't possibly get all of the steps down. And the instructor was more than helpful.

Not sure about lunch yet, probably 2 eggs and a piece of whole wheat toast.

I'm not going to deny myself food that I want. But I'm also not going to over indulge. NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE should be eating 3 cupcakes in one sitting and man, I totally used to be able to do that ha! Not anymore. After coming from bootcamp, I don't even WANT to drink a coffee or a latte or anything that could hinder what I did this morning. I pushed myself and hopefully in the upcoming days and weeks, I'll push myself harder and faster and I can only go one way...down. =) on the scale that is!