"Sometimes life (love) can come and pass you by, while you're busy making plans. Suddenly it hits you and then you realize it's out of your hands." - Ava Maria - Beyonce
Hello my lovely friends!
First, I should start off by saying yesterday I took off for a mental health day. I had to figure out what was going on mentally that was causing me to put up walls and not push through EVERY SINGLE TIME. I realized what it was, I am NOT used to having to push myself harder just to sweat. When I first started boot camp, 5 push ups would tire me out and I'd be dripping sweat. I can't do 5 push ups anymore and think I'm doing something. I'm not.
Today I went in with the gusto and did just about everything and did it hardcore. I tried to be the fastest and the most accurate. I wasn't competing with anyone but my former self. I definitely 100% succeeded. The crazy thing is I can FINALLY ADMIT to myself that I AM GOOD. I can actually KEEP UP and do the work outs given to us and I can't blame it on being out of shape anymore. I should be able to do everything and if I absolutely can't, at least TRY. It's amazing to me because for so long I thought "Oh I can't do that exercise because I'm too fat" it's just NOT true. It was so incredible to push myself and succeed at everything he threw in front of us.
Here is a bit of what our work out was:
1. Running/Jogging around bball court (I think for 5 minutes) - I only stopped once for 2 secs. I like basketball courts MUCH more then I like tracks. I don't have to measure it and I can just GO.
2. 10 burpees then one pushup, 9 burpees then two push ups, 8 burpees then 3 pushups and so on and so forth until you work your way up to 1 burpee and ten pushups.
3. Partnered, one person at one side of the court is doing wall sits while the other does 10 stand up kick outs (repeat 3x trading places each time so you are doing a total of 3 wall sits and 3x 10 stand up kick outs)
4. Partnered, one person does jumping jacks while the other runs to the other side and does weight lifts sitting then standing, I forget the name. Repeat 3x each exercise.
5. A LOT of being in a push up position, lifting right hand, touching shoulder while staying straight on, then lift left hand touch right shoulder while staying straight on, then doing a stand up kick out 10x. Repeat 3x.
There were a lot of other exercises but those are a few!
I did them all and FAST if I do say so myself.
Anyway, in reference to the title of this blog, I have to say, losing weight or getting healthy or changing your outward appearance isn't just as simple (at least in MY case) as working out and eating right. You go through MAJOR emotional changes. I started gaining weight soon after college. I started working and work became my LIFE. My relationship started failing, my work was impeccable, my confidence grew at work but my outside and inner confidence roared with disapproval of how I was living my life.
In essence, life was passing me by while I was busy making plans.
I was told today that when I first started I was bubbly and happy and outgoing and now I can sometimes come off as rude, which in turn makes me in-authentic. I can see the rude part being true. However, I don't believe that makes me phony or in-authentic. But, people will see only the parts of you that they want to see. You cannot dictate how others perceive you, never try. That is why losing weight should ALWAYS be about YOU and not anyone else.
This is a MAJOR journey. For much of my adult life I've been overweight and a lot of it was also obese. When you are "THAT GIRL" you can either wallow in misery and bring everyone down OR you can be the funny outgoing one that everyone wants to be around. For the most part, I chose the funny outgoing one.
As I'm losing weight, getting healthy, I'm realizing that can't be me ALL the time. It's just not who I am nor who I was raised to be. I'm outspoken, I'm LOUD, I'm ignorant, I'm STRONG, I'm dependent, I'm independent and a HOST of imperfection. Those few adjectives do not describe me or make me up as a person in the least, but they are part of who I am.
I have gone through a lot of changes both personally and emotionally these past 3 months and it was partly thanks to having an AHA moment from one of Oprah's shows. She always gives tips on how to be your most authentic self. It's something I fear I will struggle with for the rest of my life (as almost any sane person who wants to be the best they can be does). We are constantly changing and growing as individuals, throw a major life change into the mix, whether it's a career change, losing weight, the beginning or end of a relationship and you have a whole host of new issues to work out!
In the past month I've been cleaning out my closet (my inner being). Figuring out who I am, who I want to be and what I need to do to get there. Do I yell at waitresses or shun people on the street? Nah, my Midwest upbringing causes me to be nice to everyone I meet, I say hi on the streets to strangers in NYC and get the weirdest looks but yet I can't stop myself! (Thanks mom!)
However, I can be rather harsh to people I don't like. Sometimes even to the point of where I despise them and won't utter a word their way. Although I never wish ill-will upon anyone, one thing I'm trying to change is my MOUTH! I have a strong one on me and now that I'm losing weight I find myself more judgmental of people then ever before. It's really hard to put everything into categories and work through issues when so many of them are extremely different yet they all connect.
I have positivity in my life that I've never had before. I bring the fun wherever I go and damn it, my friends love me =) I know that during this process of self exploration I'm going to discover more secrets and intricacies to my mind, body and soul then ever before. I'm very excited about it but also scared...it's crazy how losing a little bit of weight can really make you do a 180 in terms of mindset. I knew this would happen, hell, I set it up to happen. I wasn't going into this with one goal but 100 goals!
After all, I can't look like the best me on the outside and not be the best me on the inside. =) Birds of a feather flock together and I don't want to be the "bad" bird, nor do I want bad birds around me.
Anyway lovelies, put a smile on your face because I have a big one!
xo,
K
Sidebar: Yesterday I said that we all have really strong camaraderie, I would just like to say that today we all really cheered each other on and it DOES help.
ps. I <3 Oprah! Is this season good or WHAT?!
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