Today was Cardio! Yay!!! Okay, not so much. Really though, Is there a better way to lose weight than doing cardio? Don't answer that. I'm not ready to lift more than ten pounds, thanks. (We'll save heavy strength training for a few months down the road).
Today was a day full of cardio, W specifically didn't tell us this yesterday so that he could make sure we all showed up today! Ha! Oh ye of little faith!
Monday was an upper body day (yet for some reason I came home with both sore arms AND legs) and Tuesday was lower body (did I mention that in order to SIT yesterday I had to first prop myself up on something? The pain was horrendous!).
However today, Wednesday, not so bad! I was actually able to walk up my stairs normally (with a little pain) instead of taking one step at a time. Yay! Go me!
When I woke up this morning I totally didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep! It didn't help that I took a nap yesterday and wasn't able to fall asleep until 3am! So technically I got about 2 in a half hours of sleep! I was a crab when L picked me up and once we got there, he immediately had us running what seemed like a MILE away. I know it definitely wasn't a mile but it totally seemed that way.
Next it was onto a bunch of running and jogging and squats of all kinds (who invents this stuff?!?!?).
The girls in the class are AMAZING. I mean AMAZING. We are definitely there to work out but without teamwork I KNOW I wouldn't have been able to push through on so many of the obstacles today.
At one point I had to stop, I just knew I couldn't go on...one of the girls grabbed my hand and began to pump me up and drag me along with her, it was AMAZING! I wasn't able to finish with her but it definitely pushed me about 20 seconds longer, which in my estimation is pretty damn good. 20 seconds longer is 20 seconds longer and each time I go longer than before I smile inside.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm the class loser. Having never worked out before I get REALLY down on myself. That's when I begin to feel the tears well up in my eyes (I'm a VERY sensitive person, also a VERY rude person, I know it's weird). If everyone else is running the entire length and I'm jogging 30 seconds, walking 20 (and so on) I feel like I'm such a failure! I dunno.
I blame it on me always wanting to succeed. I've never failed at anything. I usually do exactly what I set out to do. WHAT DO I ALWAYS FAIL IN? Being healthy!! If I start something, I finish it. If I fall, I get back up. So this exercise thing is KILLING ME when I see others doing better than me I just want to run to the car and go home and forget it ever happened. I am always saying "Sorry sorry sorry" as if I'm doing something wrong. Now in retrospect I know that I'm not, I'm trying. But during the time when it's happening I truly feel as if I'm failing.
There are two things I try to think of to keep me going:
1. I HAVE to get healthy for MYSELF. I will turn 30 in a year and a month. (I'm 28). I don't want to bring kids into this world (uhhh years and years down the line, no time soon!) and be an unhealthy mother! I want to be able to run and jump and play with them and teach them about food and what is good for your body and what they should avoid.
I also think of my dad A LOT when I'm at bootcamp. Everytime I'm ready to quit I try to push myself, even if it's just for 3 extra seconds. I just think of my dad. He was extremely unhealthy. Had diabetes, gout and a host of other issues. When he passed away I had a year left of college and was going to be the first to graduate from college in our ENTIRE family (I was!). Yes I was hurt when he died but more than anything I was SO ANGRY.
I felt he was selfish. Selfish for not taking care of himself so that he could be there for us. I don't have that same feeling but when I'm down and about to quit at an exercise, I think of that feeling and I push through. I don't want my kids to EVER feel that way.
2. I don't fail. I've said it before but this is another thing that keeps me going. I don't know how to fail so how come I'm so damn good at it when it comes to my own health and body image? I want to FINALLY beat this damn demon and live my life!
These two things truly do help me go the extra mile (not literally, figuratively =) ). But what kept me pushing through today was the camaraderie of the other ladies. From one grabbing my hand to pull me along, to another screaming my name and that I could do it! If she thinks I can, why don't I?
With all of that said, I've made it past day 3 and I'm ecstatic! I don't know if this is real or not, but I truly feel like my skin has improved. LOL, is that possible? 3 days in? HA!
Monday I weigh myself. I'll totally let you all know if I lost anything but you are SO not going to know my weight =) Not until I'm at least comfortable with it.
Alas, I am off! Thanks for all of you who check in and read this blog. It helps to motivate me knowing that so many of you are following me on my journey to a healthy and better me!