Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm Not Afraid...but it hurts!

Hello lovely readers! I want to make this a quick one but I'm not sure that is possible. Here's me trying...

"I don't give a damn what you think, I'm doing this for me" gotta love it. Eminem - Not Afraid That video was taped at the concert I was at, a little wobbly but overall pretty decent sound considering...

Such a great song! The truth is, we as a people DO care what others think about us. When it comes to our health and getting fit however, we shouldn't. As D and I watched Biggest Loser last night I found myself judging some of them pretty hard, and for others I would just cry tears of sadness and empathy.

The problem was that most of the people who didn't make the final cut didn't WANT it. The fake hysterics, the fake oh I have asthma, the fake oh I can't run or breath but yet I can talk? Give me a break. I've been there. I know what it feels like when you just don't WANT to go anymore so you say you can't breath...problem is, if you can talk? You can breath...and you can 9 times out of 10 keep going.

I'm not saying these people should care about what I have to say. Lord knows when I was fat my friends kept telling me what I wanted to hear "You are SO pretty, look at those eyes"! "I love love your hair"! or on the off occasion where I would find a dress or something that fit halfway decently "WOW, you look REALLY good in that"! It was THOSE comments on what I was wearing that gave me my "aha" moment as Oprah would call it.

WTF did they mean I look good in THAT outfit? I don't look good regularly? Oh because this fits me better I'm hiding the fat? Like wtf?! I know they meant well but fuck me, it did a number on my psyche. It's one thing to say "I love that dress"! or "Work that dress girl"! Or something like that, but I was constantly trying to hide myself...being overweight AND black? You're almost like the Invisible Man. Problem with me is, I don't want quietly into ANY room. I make my presence known and I command it....usually.

Over the years I've began to back down on that because let's face it, as the pounds slowly piled on more and more, everyone around me got skinnier it seemed! This is NYC, not the Midwest. Where I'm from, everyone LOVES their steak and potatoes and man do they love their Hungry Hobo ( There is a fitness center but for the most part, I can't say I know more than a handful of people that use them.

In High School I would dress up in the craziest outfits. I swear I thought I was a Spice Girl (Mel B preferably - Ha!).  It wasn't hard to find cute clothes and fit into them easily. Even in college I stayed a pretty decent size. I didn't understand what everyone was talking about "freshman fifteen"? I didn't gain. Here's a picture from back in '02:

I was never skinny or rail thin but I wasn't fat. I kind of yo-yo'd with my weight but overall, I fit into the things I wanted to buy. Period.

It sucks SO bad to walk into a store and either 1. all your sizes are gone because America is FAT or 2. You can't fit into anything! My last "aha" moment happened when I went to buy new dress pants (something I haven't done for years because in my line of work you rarely need them). They were a size 16. I almost fainted right there in the dressing room when I couldn't button up the 12 and then the 14. I started an argument with D just to release some tension and it was then that I realized this totally isn't just affecting me. It is going to affect US for the rest of our lives together. He doesn't deserve that. I don't deserve that. He has been nothing but loving and helpful (and he doesn't say things like oh that outfit looks good on you).

Anyway, long story short...I'm not afraid to lose this weight. What I am afraid of, is the losing of the weight changing me. I already judge people way too harshly. I gotta slow that down.

Tomorrow's blog: You're OBESE - NOT FAT, Idiot...or Something On Smoking...
Haven't decided.

Love you all!
Lovinggggggggg the comments!


Sidebar: The shin splints came back HARDCORE today in one of my legs. I rated myself a 3.5 today because of it. I'm so sad. =(

Sidebar2: On another note, I'm still debating if I'm staying in bootcamp or not for the winter months. D can probably work out w/ me just the same and I can do it now. Every last one of you know I like to pay for things that last...clothes, vacations and I like to SAVE SAVE SAVE. So, we'll see how it goes and what I feel at the end of this cycle =) In the meantime, I'll be floating along for the next four weeks. =) - Just don't be surprised if you see me switch things up a bit!


  1. Kristin I can relate, I have been overweight all my life , I began nursing school in 1972, had to start diet pills cause we can't have a *FAT* nurse. Got married, gained weight, quit nursing because I gained my weight back & just gave up!! Yrs flew by & gained more. I now have back pain & knee problems however I am walking now. The reason I am proud you began this now would be because you are young :) I am 56, a long road ahead, limited with my knees but I am determined I feel ugly, ashamed etc. I don't know what I was thinking posting pics in my profile omg.. Now pics OMG GIRL you looked great in college get that pic on your refri. I am putting my wedding pic on mine as we speak. I feel ya been there made excuses, hated myself , I am an emotional eater happy sad nervous depressed whatever I will start my diet tomorrow. NO I do not want to die young.. I love what you are doing you are my hero dahling & I honestly think of your blog how hard you are working.. Thank you soo much for sharing. You have touched my life & It will show in my pictures in the future also that is a promise !!!!!! LYM Ro

  2. i joined because of your motivation. don't quit at least not until my cycle is over in november. idk if i will come back for another cycle, we will see how it goes =)

    maria g.