...Yeah, I always find somethin' wrong. You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long. I'm so gifted at findin' what I don't like the most...So I think it's time for us to have a toast...Let's have a toast for the douchebags..." - Kanye West - Live @ MTV VMA's - Runaway
Oh yeah. I went there, I used a Kanye lyric. And what? You still don't forgive him? Bite me. That's a whole other topic...
Alas, I chose the lyrics above because what could be more true? Ya'll know I am all about finding "my truth". I seem to find a new one everyday and most of the time it always relates to one common denominator. I am my own worst critic (and everyone else's too).
Today was a cardio day and it was crazy. People taking pictures of us working out (okay just one perv) and running past commuters trying to get off of the train. That part gets to me. I'm wondering if they are judging me, all the while, I'm judging them. I literally looked at every person that passed us today and stared. Seems like for every 1 "toned" person there were 5 obese, overweight or just totally "skinny-fat" (I hate skinny fat btw) people. I literally wanted to run over to W and ask for his business card so I could pass the out as I ran. The commuters smiled, I would smile back. They would huff at us running past so I'd huff back. You get what you give.
Anyway, the point I'm TRYING oh so hard to make is, I wanted so badly to NOT be them. I wanted SO badly to go hide back then. I wanted to "runaway" as Kanye would put it. I used to stand, always stand because that way you don't make anyone mad sitting next to them when you're fat, on the train and hide in the back. Invisible. I am totally a people-watcher and I like to believe I'm a pretty great judge of character. If I know you (see: like you), I'm loud and happy and opinionated. If I don't...like I said, you get what you give.
I'm glad I'm out of my "hiding" phase. I now sit happily on the train and play games on my phone while not staring and not judging. Yet, I can't seem to stop when I'm exercising. They stare, so I can't help but stare back!
I would like to get to a point where I don't care what others think, I would really really like that. I'm working on it. Slowly. I feel like, it's as much of a progression as the weight-loss.
On another note, I feel good right now. I have really really bad knees, maybe I'll touch on that tomorrow. I don't know, my brain rambles so much sometimes. I truly think it is one of the reasons I am so gifted at my craft, too much creativity in my head.
I believe that is why I enjoy running so much (although today hurt). When I am running, my mind is empty. I enjoy running on the track more than in the street. Less people to stare at and I can really feel...peace. It is a feeling that I don't get too often living in the city.
I miss that about the mid-west. Quiet. Hills. Open roads. TREES!!! I wouldn't go back at this point in my life,but those are a few things that I really do miss. Including my mother! I swear without her support I don't think I would have ever done this. Finding a great support system is essential. She believes in me when no one in the world does. That's what mothers are for. =)
Although, last night while watching the Biggest Loser, I was SO infuriated with one mother! First, she gave her daughter gastric bypass at 14!! 14!! Now her daughter has major issues! She was the first voted off and upon going home, she called her mother and asked her to please not have ANY chocolate in the house. First thing she sees when she walks in the door? Chocolate. What kind of mother is that? My heart BROKE for her. I just burst into tears. I wanted to take that girl and tell her she could do it. I was so happy to see that so far she's lost 60 pounds on her own. I hope she knows she is an inspiration.
Someone said last night on the show "I feel like every excess pound I've gained is hiding a piece of who I really am". I concur.
Until next time....
ps. Upon talking to a friend this morning I wanted to note something. Being overweight isn't the only thing that is bad for you. Neither is smoking or judging or any of the number of things I talk about here. A few things you should take note of are vanity. Vanity can do a number on your psyche. Acrylic nails? Should be outlawed. The fuck up your nails, God didn't give you nails to go and put something else on top of them. Perming/Relaxing your hair? Why would you put chemicals on something God gave you? Tanning, So not good for you...hello cancer. There are a multitude of things when it comes to vanity that you should take note of. I'm not saying change it, I'm saying acknowledge it and at least try. I have GOT to give up smoking. The first step is acknowledgement right?